Gender Relations: Game’s the Same in the Motherland by Ayana Haaruun

Before I arrived in South Africa, I was very curious about the brothers. Considering the dearth of educated, single and desirable African-American males, I thought perhaps the “motherland” could offer a solution for many single African American women.

With an array of glowing brown skin-tones, well-defined facial bone structures, nice teeth, and lean physiques, many black South African men are quite appealing.  My observations of gender relations however, are almost as disappointing as my experience with racism.

In urban environments like Johannesburg courting behavior seems similar to black America. In popular nightclubs, women dress more provocatively, while men “post up” alongside the bar.  While listening to hip-hop and R&B, I noticed many young men exhibiting a familiar “indifference” toward meeting women and dating.  Like many African American males, urban South African men seemed more concerned with appearing “cool” than dancing or conversing with women.

In the rural area where I live, I spend much time swatting away springtime insects and rural South African men. Although being pursed by many interested suitors is flattering, most are too aggressive and persistent for my taste. Almost every guy I meet tells me he loves me immediately.  They also call me around the clock.  If I don’t accept their calls they come to my job or apartment. I’ve even worked out special rules with the apartment’s security to keep “my men” at bay.  On one occasion, a guy sent his sister to befriend me.  She tried to coerce me into dating her brother by braiding my hair and calling me “sister in law.” She even requested that I cook for their mother.

Paradoxically, though the black South African men I’ve met have no problems taking the lead in dating, most men don’t appear overly concerned with playing the role of “provider.” Almost all the black South African women I’ve know are unmarried mothers. And, many don’t receive any monetary support from the children’s fathers, who often relocate to large cities for work.  When I’ve asked young men how they felt about marriage, some said “it wasn’t necessary” or they would rather cohabitate.  Others complained about paying the dowry required by tribal tradition.

In lieu of the current HIV crisis, its obvious most black South African men “take up” with multiple women. Although it’s less popular to practice polygamy, its informal practice is almost socially acceptable. I’ve spoken to both men and women about the males incessant cheating, and most summed it up to “African tradition.”

Gender inequality also manifests itself in the disproportionate occurrence of domestic violence and “spousicide.” One foggy, frightening night in the neighboring black town, I was involved in such a disturbance. While riding in the backseat of a car with my South African co-worker and her male friends, the driver stopped briefly to find his way up a gravel road to my co-worker’s rural home.  Out of nowhere, a man attacked the car’s passenger with a large knife. As the driver attempted to clear the windshield, the attacker pried down the passenger side window, and attempted to stab the male passenger.  Incapable of understanding the language being spoken, I thought we were being carjacked. 

When the driver finally pulled off, the attacker continued hanging from the passenger side door.  Through the foggy windshield I watched the car approach a steep hill. At that moment I thought we’d die.  Fortunately, the driver successfully navigated the car and shook off the attacker.

When we arrived to safety I learned that the attacker was my co-worker’s ex-boyfriend and the father of her 8 year-old daughter.  He apparently was upset because she hadn’t answered his calls that day. Although this kind of scenario happens everywhere, the way domestic violence is handled differs significantly from the U.S.  Because South African women have little faith in the justice system properly addressing sex crimes and domestic violence, many don’t report the incidents.

In addition, South Africa has one of the highest rates of rape in the world, with most rapes being carried out by relatives.  When I asked the women students at my school about rape they looked at me like I was crazy.  One woman laughed and said nonchalantly, “Who hasn’t been raped?” In a restaurant bathroom a young woman told me of an attempted rape. While fetching wood in the bush a man tried to rape her at knifepoint. She said she lay down pretending to submit, and then pulled his penis so hard he died.  She was not remorseful.

It seems that in South Africa, gender equality has taken a back seat to other social concerns. As an African American woman, it is disheartening to the face the fact most nations in “the motherland” have historically lessened the status of women. It is unfortunate that cultural practices such as multiple sex partners, rape, and the subjugation of women contribute to the spread of HIV, an epidemic that now threatens the existence of many African nations.